Since the end of the Neolithic period, or about ten thousand years ago, definitions of gender appeared and became entrenched in different spheres of life. For some women, their roles remained similar to previous identities, more engaged in the home and with children and often alone. Her husband worked in the fields earning money to buy what they could not produce themselves. One theory has it that as the husband becomes more of a specialist in managing the farm or its surpluses he becomes further removed from the home and his children. This creates many problems for the children who grow up without the guidance of their father. Boys especially have needed this, so they know how to behave as men. Without this guidance they look to brothers, or friends to define their manhood. Peers cannot know what is needed and only a parent who understands the fathers’ gifts is able, so many problems arise, and the kind father’s wisdom is lost. As gender becomes more egalitarian though, the wise father can include the wise mother to develop the young man’s masculinity. It seems a growing trend is the blending of parental roles for both boys and girls to encourage the development of a progressive and values-based gender identity, not so much male or female but a mix that honors both so they can thrive.
This is where we are today. Many young men and women do not have the kind parent’s wisdom to rely on. Venkatesh, S., (2008) addresses membership in gangs that are filled with undisciplined young men living in the streets, thinking that this is manhood-this is a current danger that must be addressed. Tragedy often follows in these footsteps, especially in fatherless homes. For the young women who lack a kind father, they may find relationships equally difficult since they lack the knowledge of how to communicate well with men. It is my hope that any learners will feel free to approach me if they are experiencing an emotional difficulty regarding this material. It is not shameful nor is it abnormal, in fact it is completely normal and encouraged. So, do not hesitate to discuss these issues with me privately, or if you wish, within any course on this site. It can make the course come alive for yourself and others too.
Throughout any of these courses I will present to you a series of videos, documents and some scanned material from my book The Naturally Good Man (Keays, R., 2013). As I have said, some of the additional material may be difficult to watch and some events may even be upsetting, but my purpose is to lead the learner to new and usable concepts. There will be many positive images that can work as a guide for you as you work your way through the material. You can then make up your own mind, by way of the assignments, what a future and Progressive Masculinity looks like to you, and then decide if this is a worthwhile future for you to work towards-and to answer your two questions. Once you have a toolkit that illustrates the scope of the problems before you, a new concept of masculinity may be possible, but it might be far from clear. For women this might suggest the kind of men to welcome into your lives or specific characteristics to pass on to your young sons and daughters.
Please click on the video link to see Robert Bly discuss fatherlessness. Consider your feelings as you watch. It is important to understand what might be missing in your relationship with your dad, or what you already know. Focus on what you want to learn. You will know.
A large selection of Robert Bly’s videos are available for viewing on YouTube if you wish to see them. The purpose of seeing only the first one is to develop the understanding of the growing crisis of fatherlessness in the lives of young people, both male and female. As Bly suggests, prior to the Industrial Revolution relationships between the father and his children, but especially his sons were different. Since we cannot go back in time to heal, we can find other more mature males (and in some situations, females) in our community to help fill in this initiation. Young women can find it in older women. I found it in men’s groups, others might find it in a sports coach or a teacher. The point is if you feel the need for it you might want to explore your community for an initiative experience. You might also be wondering why do we need to look to the past to feel these painful memories? Well, the most important thought that comes to me about this question is if you want to be a parent someday this knowledge will come in handy for your children. You may want to help them answer their own questions. Also, many of our behaviors that might in fact be seeking this initiation can be resolved quicker in our minds if we have this acceptance and love that was missed when we were young. Initiation of various kinds has been used for thousands of years, and mostly for good reasons. You can make up your own. You are after all, building a new culture.
If you like, let me know how Robert Bly’s dated but still applicable video sits with you.